time to stop trying to earn other's favor

Yep, you heard it hear first. I'm going to aim for some new year resolutions mid year :)

The past few weeks have been rough and through it I find myself reverting to some old habits of trying to earn other people's favor. The more I put myself out there the more I find myself alone. So here's to ending that nonsense! I think it's made me borderline depressed and that's not where I want to be.

Time to get ready for bed! :)

gonna give this blogging thing another chance

But to be honest, i don't know how legit of a chance blogging will get. i'm doing it right now but who knows if i will keep at it.

i'm waiting for my roommate to leave the kitchen/living room so i can cook. i really don't feel like talking or interacting with her.

the emmys are on and i'm watching them passively. i drank too much iced tea on my outing with emily wear today, and i feel kinda jittery and have had to pee too much the past two hours. but i'm proud of myself for showing up... because my normal tendency when i stay in bed all day is to bail on plans, even if i made them in advance.

friday night i played poker with alan sun, jon shum, thomas and some other folks. it was great! even though i didn't win. i was talking to thomas, and i realized that i need to take looking at schools/programs more seriously. i have it narrowed down to one of the four, and one of these i think is slowly leaving the list:

1. math teacher
2. ph.d. or masters in public health
3. ph.d. in education
4. ph.d. in student affairs

that's all i got for tonight.

i got the munchies

i know i shouldn't probably be eating, since the right side of my face is still numb from the anesthetic (stupid dentist...) but i figure i got 16 teeth that work fine :) i had a pat and oscar's breadstick, some black bean chicken i made, and a little piece of a brownie. i'll be glad when the numbness wears off.

let me say one thing (make that two... why not) that were GREAT about tuesday:
1. i tuned into jeopardy late (it comes on at 11 am every weekday and i've been watching the ken jennings chronicles... to see when he wold lose). i happened to catch the last ten minutes. this was the day. here's the question, let's see if you can get the answer (i'll post the answer below). the question (approximately): This company employs over 70,000 white collar employees who only work 4 months out of the year.

2. usd (university of san diego) gives guests FREE parking! how AWESOME is that?!?! not only did i get to check out kwanzaa at usd (and get free grub... it was good) but i didn't have to pay $6 for parking like i would have had to at ucsd.

anyways, time for me to go to bed... tomorrow is my last day at my temp job :( it was fun.... i actually could see myself working in a place like that ... maybe not FOREVER.










the answer: "what is h&r block?" (yeah taxes!!!)
ken guessed fedex and lost. it was sad, i must admit. but i'm glad i saw it... i had seriously invested 2 months and if i would have missed it, i would have had to wait until they aired it AGAIN on classic jeopardy. he was only $4,000 above her going into final jeopardy.

berean christian bookstore to the rescue!

i'm greenlining here, just fyi. i have enough to redline about, but i'm choosing at this moment to reflect on things that give me life and joy (and don't make me cry).

so my counselor told me i had to buy some upbeat praise music. i realized that the music i listen to the most is a bit bummer-ville, and i need more upbeat music. she recommended some praise music. so off to berean i went (i'd like to comment that there's inheriently nothing wrong with my music, it just was kinda slow and emo-ish.... and it was making me feel that way). .... but i want to add that i'm going to burn my justin timberlake cd to tape, because moving my booty never makes me feel sad. shoot! holla if you know what i'm talking about :)

so i got three cd's:
1. wow gospel 2005
2. israel and new breed (new season live)
3. gentle worship (instrumental praise)

dang! cd's are expensive! i spent $42!!!! but, there's a silver lining to my financial cloud:
if i don't like the cd's, berean has a satisfaction guarantee!!! that's so cool. then i won't be bitter over praise music i don't like (which would be sad but could very well happen).

so yeah!

i'm at home tonight, i'm going to make some fd calls. i realized i have to think of them as one call at a time.... so that's what i'm going to do tonight. i have to make at least 3 calls tonight.... so boldness, oh my soul!!!

countdown t minus ___ (a certain number i wont fill in right now)

i feel like crap.
i don't even know why i'm posting, but i am.
my life is spiraling right now, my room is not even that messy but it feels like the worst its ever been.
i feel sick. i feel heavy. i feel dirty (that one i can fix....).

i haven't even wanted to answer my phone the last two days because i just can't bear the conversations that are to come. i know that i'm gonna get taken off payroll, do we really need to talk about it? i know i haven't been a good friend and you've been calling the last two days to get a hold of me, i don't have anything to offer you right now. i know that we meet every week and while everyone else has to strain to think of a low for the week, i am pressed to think of a high for the week. all of this is too much for me right now. and i'm tired of feeling like its too much.

i sometimes think its easier to just not care so much, to not try so hard. i know mediocrity isn't the answer, but sometimes it feels like a temporary fix. but then comes the reality check and then you feel worse before the alleged answer knocked on your door and asked for a place to stay for a while. *sigh* well, off to be productive.... at least i can clean my room and wash clothes and set up a dentist appointment that i paid $187 for without feeling like a failure.

and i want to cry out to GOD and ask Him why He has abandoned me. that would at least give me vindication. but if i strip away all the angst and anger and hurt, i realize that its me that has abandoned GOD. GOD, bring me back to John 15. i think i'll go eat my eggrolls and read some scripture. the room will be waiting for me and my teeth are already jacked up, so another day isn't going to kill them.

shower me with the sweetness of Your presence. remind me that i am Your child and that You first loved me. that the weight of life i feel pressed by is within Your reach.... You just want me to lay it at Your feet and leave it there.

la torta here i come!

aww... going to la torta on friday with tk. i'm excited! it will be good to just catch up with him and here how things have been... and eating good food with a coupon makes me happy! hopefully hanging out with a student on friday will some how translate into more support for my budget. i'll be rejoicing when the time comes where i can just do maintaince.... then it won't feel like my whole life is about ivcf and in particular fundraising.

anyways, saw shannon tonight. i dropped off her birthday gift! she really liked it... wanted to take a picture with all her stuff and me. now for some reason, i take the worst pictures when i'm with shannon. i have one from my 23rd birthday (dang.... that was almost 3 years ago!) and it's just bad. i mean BAD. probably worse than my driver's license one. oh well!

alright, it's late, so i'm going to bounce. see ya next time, oh faithful blog.

ode to public library

*note: i had typed an eloquent blog and my oh so tempermental computer crashed on me.*

ode to public library
your musty shelves have been abandoned
because internet and netflix have stolen your thunder
in days of past people in a bind rented their movies from you
because blockbuster fees had made them find refuge in you
and with the internet booming, people can find books much faster
with online reserve they can drop in and out in 3 minutes flat

but i, wanting the quick fix but not wanting the quick tip
will take it back to the old school
i'll walk my self up to your power reduced corridors
and search for my book in the old school kind of way:
i'll use the call number that once so sophisticately graced your binding
and now has been relegated to a tired librarian's gaze.

more to come! i'm back!

and lastly, wanted to share one thing that i thought was hilarious about this week: at my church's anniversary service, the deacons opened the service with scripture, prayer and a song as a call to worship. they sang "this little light of mine, i'm gonna let it shine". it was funny, such a child like song juxtaposed with deep voices of baritone and tenor. it was great. i smiled.

and double lastly, a quote i just heard on tv: "you have a freak flag, you just don't fly it" doesn't that have the makings to be a great movie..... lol.